And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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