I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
