I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize