I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
