Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Randomize
