i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
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