Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
