I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
