there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
