Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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