just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
