I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
