The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Randomize
