How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
