I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
