I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
