normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
