Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
