I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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