Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
