Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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