He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
