I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
