I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
