i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
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