I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
