I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
