He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
