Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
