I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
