there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
