Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
