so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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