I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
