I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
You were trust falling into bushes
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
