my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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