i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize