hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
