I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
