The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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