when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
