so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Randomize
