i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
