I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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