if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
