He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
