Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
