trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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