i barfeds in our rink
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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