Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
