I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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