well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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