we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
